well, i am back after some time. i left this place where i use to drown all my sorrows and pain and of cos my happiness for all to read and understand my side of life. and, i chose someone new to love to start of with a new happiness and also achieve the love that i had longed for. It was something that really made me feel like i was the luckiest guy on the entire planet. Just taking a look at other couples didn't seem to bother me at all. And the reason was because i found someone to love and someone to understand me dearly. Yeap, she was the love of my life. She satisfy every aspect of love. It is kinda sad to actually have me bloggin abt her in a sad light instead of a happy one.
the happiness both of us shared seemed to be short lived. 9 months being together. she told me abt her past and i told her abt mine. both weren't perfect people. but, the perfect thing abt us was that we honest with each other. and that was something that made both of us perfect for each other. The thing that i loved abt her was that she was really adorable and really know how to make me smile. She knew what i liked and how soft hearted i was. But, we both quarrelled like how normal couples did as well. And the quarrels we had were all small little tiffs like where to go, why didn't you reply my msg, how come u speak to me in this manner. this were the kind of small disagreements we had with each other. i taught her things and taught her how to look at things from a different angle. She taught me how to love and also manage my time. she showed me that trust is possible to build again even though it seems lost at times. the word trust is a very powerful word. once gone things will somehow go maulfunction and things will start to screw up one by one. i chose to give that word another chance to exist in my life and also a chance to make the word relationship work. we were fine.. we were happy...
and soon things started to screw up.. its probably me who felt screwed up. she soon found old friends that she lost contact with. i guess the reason for her losin contact with them was because she was pretty much too occupied with her previous relationship. and i felt that she was missing out so i gave her freedom to hang out and not be trapped like how she was in the past. and now she is keepin in contact with them again and it wasn't that bad till she left for camp. so that means, she has another group of friends. well, this should all be good news right? she is being popular with her friends and also being able to catch up with her lost light years of group outings and group funs. yes, it is good. its good for her and i am happy for her. but, i somehow didn't feel that way after time past. it somehow felt like i was diggin my own grave to the love of death. The love of death would have to be the place where love is just buried and it isn't buried dead but buried alive. The unnatural struggle of it and how it dies without anyone knowing abt it. well, i am reachin its entrance but it is my fren who is holding me back.
this friend i would say. its one of the best buddies i ever made. yea, he is nice even though we have disagreements at times we still work things out in a jokin manner. we dun really fire each other till both feel useless.. even though we use bad words on each other, we're still buddies. now that is something great. and so, i told him my side of the story and he told me i was thinking too much. yes, i know its harmful thinking too much but i am reachin a point of where my heart aches just thinking abt her and i am unable to sleep. i'm having sleepless nights now.
right now, smses we exchanged jus somehow seems dead. i tried reviving it by fillin in some love but somehow the replies i get don seem to show tat it is working. i told her i am goin out, she no longer ask who i am heading out with. what does this show? is she still the girl i once knew or has the heart she has being occupied with someone else of many other ppl. i don expect her to drop by my blog either and neither do i expect anyone of u to actually read this.
and now the question that questions me. Why am i putting on a ring when the purpose seems to be lost? why can't she meet me like how i sacrifice my time for her even though i was busy. i always tried my best to meet her whenever i can even though i was really tired. she used to meet me after her long day at sch but now. she just tells me that she is tired and she ends up going out with her grp of friends. well, i guess this is the msg that is gettin across to me. LEAVE HER so that she can spend time with her friends. and some part of me is tellin me to do that and not get in her way of wanting to be happy. and i guess all i am bringin her is trouble and more headaches. like she say a burden on her back. let me talk abt sms, she told me that she has to save her smses cos her amount of friends increased and she didn't mind spending her smses on me but i jus somehow felt that i shouldn't increase her baggage already. for example now, i really wan to tell her how upset i am but i can't because she is preparing for her event and she has soo much to do and so much to stress on. I don't wan to be adding the stress to her. and so i decided to turn to bloggin again.
i jus so want to feel loved and attention showered on me. asking abt how i am feeling, laughin with me and makin me feel special. and, i do and can get that. but, i am trying my best to avoid as much contact as i can with that person. i dun wan to treat anyone as a spare because deep inside i still love you very much. and when i do receive smses of concern, somehow i just wished that the name appeared in my inbox was urs. but, it isn't. inboxes are practically filled up with other contacts instead of urs. its like u're vanishing slowly. i jus don feel any closer like i use to before.
i admit i was busy. but, i did everything i could to make it up to u. we met. but, you? did you even try? i guess i'm jus giving in to u too much that you take me for granted. thinking that i will always be there loving you. but, i hope that soon you would realise that like wad u say. FOREVER doesn't exist unless you do something to maintain it. i am trying really hard to hold on to the memories we shared. the pictures we took. but, somehow they are slowly turning numb to me. pls, just tell me what i should do now to save US. Its like i am waiting for you to turn around and look at me. The reason why i am waiting for you to turn around is because right in front of you now is your group of friends or maybe someone else.
i will finish up ur testimonial like how i promised and attend your ceremony.
i know u dun wan ppl to know.. and u must be thinking i can probably fill it up somewhere.. but, i can't.. i'm sorry..
i love you..... still......