well.. first half of my day.. ok.. it was ok.. woke up.. finish up wadever i had to finish up for the public speaking competition.. well.. i didn't win.. but, gt some $20 borders voucher or somethin.. met zai.. yea, she looks like better.. nothin much.. den pass nic the dvd i burned.. i kinda like promoted the band via the brochure for ppl to read.. had avian sixty four's name included in my profile.. i dun really hav the mood to scan wadever in.. so probably nxt time i'll scan in it and probably leave it on another post..
i can't help it but i have to blog this second part of my day.. it isn't really somethin to write abt.. but, i jus can't help it.. and i jus want u ppl to knw tat i'm nt bloggin this so tat ppl will hav tat kinda like pity.. so.. i jus wanna say wad i feel and thought abt life..
visited my grandma.. yea, i can admit tat i'm nt really tat close to her because i dun really speak tat fluent hokkien.. but, yea she was the one who took care of me and my bro when we were younger.. so yeapp.. visited her together with my mum and my bro.. and i jus broke dwn when i saw her in pain.. she nt being able to talk much, jus always staring into space and always frownin and moanin when the pain sets in.. jus really upsets u.. u can see tat she is tired and wants to sleep but the constant pain jus causes her nt to.. i mean, it gt so bad tat she say in hokkien tat the pain is soo bad tat she is goin to die.. and jus seein my mum sniffin jus made me felt even worst.. i mean, it was soo bad tat u jus wanna help ease the pain from her.. she was holdin the railin by the bed.. i mean, it was like pain to its max.. pain tats beyond the word pain.. jus seein her like this really made me felt so useless and helpless.. i really wanna help her ease wadever pain... and when my mum jus touch her forehead her eyes were abt to close and sleep den the pain came back.. she woke up.. i dunno jus how to describe it..
tears were comin dwn.. and we left the room for a while because she vomited.. so... during tat time i jus couldn't help it.. i jus always had the flash back of me when i was younger and being taken care by her.. i still do recall those times.. and when i was sick i'd always b at my grandma's... she takes care of me too.. and i can remember there was once she cooked me one whole fish.. i loved fish alot.. i finished everythin.. =) i jus teared and teared.. my mum told me tat we shld get goin.. but, i kinda said no.. cos deep inside somewhere i really wanted to say a prayer for her.. i had to.. i felt the need to.. so it took me quite a while before i sat beside her bed.. i sat dwn.. held her hand and the other hand on her forehead.. and its jus so pleasin to see tat she is abt to sleep when u do tat.. the comfort she felt in the facial expression.. i said wad i had to say in my heart.. she wasn't some christian lady.. but, i did wad i had to do.. say wad i had to say.. durin tat few mins.. i felt kinda relieved from the comfort look she had.. before i left.. i kissed her forehead.. i dunno but, i jus felt tat it was a need to..
mum told me.. last time.. when i was a kid and was at my grandma's.. i was naughty and my mum wanted to cane me den i ran behind my grandma.. den my grandma told her tat if i ran behind her means i want my grandma to protect me.. so my grandma told my mum tat she can't cane me.. so my mum didn't.. so she caned me at home lor.. i mean, durin tat part when my mum told me.. i started to tear again.. gosh.. i really dunno wad to say.. i mean, i'd b fine if she left.. but, seeing her sufferin in pain nt being able to sleep jus makes u feel really upset..
even tho i'm nt tat close.. communication nt tat wonderful.. there is still somethin somewhere in my heart.. now her days are really counting dwn.. and.. i'll do wadever i can.. i'm so sorry if its a depressed or and angry entry.. but, i jus wanna say wad i have inside.. so yeapp..
[ I'm sorry.. Delays after delays.. ]
m.C.