unstable.. i'm feeling unstable.. no mood.. no life.. no soul.. lost.. all gone.. good bye..
happy?.. i dunno..
today.. had my nafa test.. even though it rained i still had it.. forgot to bring my wallet.. stupid.. of all things i forgot my wallet.. i jus wrote an entry a few minutes ago.. all jus suddenly disappeared.. all my emotions inside.. wahh.. wad else can happen to me now..
headed to school today with an umbrealla.. now everythin seems slow and sad for me.. my heart jus seemed liked it was being drenched with saddness.. heavy and painful.. a slow process.. now all songs jus seemed so right for me.. emotional songs.. the rain.. as i was walkin to school with the umbrella had alot goin through my mind.. memories.. everythin jus seemed like some drama or somethin.. the music, the atmosphere the wind and the rain.. the slow movement of the rain drippin off the umbrella.. jus feel sad.. feel like...... nvm...
nafa was fine.. met KL after school.. before that.. saw my damai teachers.. one whole group of them.. wah lau.. tried runnin away from them so tat they won't see me but somehow when i gt to the other side and i thought it was the right thing to do, i met another group of them.. and this time it was worst.. saw even more familiar faces.. and i jus had to face them.. but, things didn't turn out as bad as how i expected it to be.. i guess, no matter how hard u try to run away from somethin, it will always come back to u.. no matter wad.. so i guess its best to settle it no matter wad..
met KL and YL after tat.. crashed for a while den met them and headed to town.. soo wasn't myself today.. and it was really nice that they tried to cheer me up.. put a smile on my face.. i did smile.. but somehow it didn't really last for more than a min.. somehow i woud begin to feel the heavy heart again.. and the whole face jus goes into sad mode.. haiz.. i dunno wad to do.. den after that went to converse.. sat outside, and the shop opposite was playin really emotional songs.. i jus went "blank" memories again.. den YL say "marcus, don sad until like tat la.. like wanna cry like tat... must think positive" i think tat was wad he told me.. i guess i wasn't even aware of wad state i was durin that part of the time.. they told me jokes la.. i laughed a lil.. they were nice.. i mean, ppl would have gt irritated wit the sad face i have la.. but, they were cool wit it man.. and i think it isn't gettin really good cos babe watch wasn't somethin for me today.. somehow i wasn't feeling any thrill.. nothin.. and all i wanted durin tat part of time was jus the old favourite.. like nothin beats her.. i dunno y.. but i guess it has come to a stage where i jus simply loved everythin abt her. includin the nt so gd side of her.. haiz..
met gim wei after that.. he joined us kinda late.. told him abt the plight i'm in now... he told me tat the state i'm in is gonna be like this for quite a while.. this feelin.. is really hard, somehow it gets soo bad its as though u'll never b happy again.. like u dun understand the meanin of smile and happy.. haiz.. cheerless describes it best.. they gave me advises.. feel good comments.. was really nice of them.. then after that went to play pool.. i didn't play.. didn't have the mood.. KL ask me to go play some music on the jukebox.. the pool area had this jukebox where u have to pay 2 bucks for 2 songs.. but, i spend abt 1 dollar plus for a total of 4 songs.. played my fav songs.. and there was this song i would always play whenever i was there.. KL knows wad it is.. i think some of them know wad my fav song is.. and gim wei was also nice la.. he sponser me one dollar to play music of my choice.. so is this the benefits i get for being in this depress state?.. i dunno.. but owe a million thanks to them.. now thinkin back.. they were nice.. really nice.. KL also wanted to sponser me some coins to play music.. felt kinda better after hearin the music.. so slightly better..
after that headed to cine leisure.. babe watch.. again, no kick for me.. felt nothin.. jus wanted the old fav.. somehow it is really bad cos no pretty gal can beat her or somethin.. cool hor?.. but no.. it hurts.. den had memories flashin back.. the time i was wit her at cine leisure.. the movie i wanted to catch wit her.. but i guess she doesn't remember.. den had this babe chase mission or somethin.. nvm abt tat.. totally cheap thrill.. and after that jus sat and chill for a while den headed to 85..
ashley and cindy met up wit us over there.. makan.. den talk a lil.. den i headed home like tat.. couldn't stay for long, was afraid i might miss the bus.. gt home save and sound..
somehow i really dunno how to carry on.. i gave up everythin.. broke someone's heart.. ignored advices, lost a friend, became bad guy, was being made fun of.. and.. outcome, isn't really nice.. i followed my heart.. my mind told me tat it isn't gonna b easy.. but, it was the strong feeling i had in me tat its gonna be alright cos there is her.. somehow i'm jus thinkin if i shld jus put up an act and act as though i'm gonna be fine or shld i jus let myself be who i am in this cheerless state.. my mind convinces me tat i'm gonna b ok.. but, my heart jus aches constantly.. tears jus somehow feel like comin out but the mind tells me not to.. some of my friends told me to jus let it all out.. cindy also told me to jus let everythin out.. but.. i jus can't seem to b able to do so.. how?.. jus feel like huggin someone and let everythin out.. its really scary tat i have thoughts of endin everythin i have.. end my existance.. it jus feels as though i suck tat y the outcome is like tat.. and like if my presence isn't around its gonna b better.. i dunno.. but, somethin made me stop.. friends and family.. they do need me.. i'm nt tryin to make myself sound impt but there are certain things i don fill up here.. only i will know.. and there are many things to be done.. but, jus really wish for a miracle right now.. i've lost almost everythin..
i dunno wad will be the outcome of me.. wad will i be like... workin on it day by day... jus hope tat i won't cause any unhappiness with anyone because of my present state.. nobody deserves a pass on depression.. hmmm..
[ i have also been listenin to track 9.. to me it is like a song abt us.. or a song abt me now.. they know its my fav song.. tat was wad i have been playin whenever i was at the pool area.. thought u were suppose to get back to me at "9t" or somethin i guess u forgot.. ]
m.C. --> Faint Hearted